Parents of Athletes…It’s Time to “Do the Work” (Bot9 #355)
I finished my Masters degree 25 years ago now. That’s a serious perspective check. Yikes. After studying communications, thinking I’d pave a trail to ESPN one day, I got the coaching bug and decided to do a Masters of Arts in Teaching degree. I loved that time of study as it wasn’t about studying education, but the art of teaching. In that time and then over the course of the past quarter century, I’ve continued to hone in on exploring excellent coaching practices as well. While more and more timeless ideas and principles have exposed themselves through that journey, one thing has continued to become more and more difficult and problematic - relationships with parents of athletes in all sports.
I don’t need to go to any length to outline this for you. Everyone knows that what was once small, isolated incidents have grown to be so commonplace that many, many coaches nationwide have left the profession altogether. While people are now recognizing the umpire shortage nationwide, the coaching shortage is only a short distance behind, if it’s not here already. My hope in this piece is to provide a framework for everyone to us and to “do the work” before allowing yourself to go haywire.
Paul tells us something valuable in 2 Corinthians 10:5. He encourages us to, “demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” It’s one of those often-quoted pieces of wisdom for us to “take captive every thought” but there’s no set of questions to ask ourselves, but a set of instructions. This is just one of the reasons we should lean into Jesus more than Paul - Jesus asked great questions, whereas Paul gave good instruction. Very different methods, but one method is far superior than the other. We have to be led to answer great questions with great answers ourselves versus being lectured.
“Do the Work” boils down to five questions. Because so many parents of athletes are just trying to do what is best for their child (not bad, just centered on the self and not the bigger picture), they get stuck in a myopic, reactive view of events instead of seeing the whole situation from a God’s-eye point of view. While I am certain there are some coaches seeking to advance their careers and agendas, the vast majority of those in the profession are looking at the success of many, of the whole, and how to help the biggest number of people succeed. As such, it would be valuable for parents of athletes to work themselves through these five questions before firing off an email or text, requesting a meeting with the AD, or moving their kids from one team to another.
1. Is that thought 100% true?
This question should counter many of the “my coach sucks” ideas out there. You’ve got the worst coach in the world? Has he won games in the past, displaying any sort of track record for success? Do other people on the team feel differently? In all likelihood, there is a counterargument that would make the answer to this question “no, it’s not 100% true.”
Another common phrase uttered is, “my coach hates my son/daughter.” Do you really believe someone hates your kid to the point of derailing your athletic career? Is that really 100% true? Again, someone working in service to others likely doesn’t go home at night, lock themselves in their office, and think about the best ways to sabotage your son or daughter’s athletic career.
The things we trick ourselves into believing can be counteract by eliminating the use of absolutes and recognizing that the statement in your head is probably not 100% true.
2. How do I react believing that thought to be true?
Having been through some interesting situations with my own kids over the past two years as they’ve entered high school, I can tell you that I have a much better sense of how people react…because I’ve reacted the same way. I am by no means immune to this as a parent and I have to coach myself using these questions as well. How did I react? Like an emotional, raving lunatic. Thankfully I don’t do that outwardly, but I sure do in my inner life. If we allow ourselves to react believing a negative thought instead of speaking truth to that thought, the answer to this question always leads to destruction and broken relationships.
3. How do I respond in the absence of that thought?
Once I gather my emotions and begin seeking a positive path forward, my inner coach comes out. I find potential wins in the situation. How can I impact my son or daughter by giving them the right methods and thoughts to get through the situation? How can I lead my family to a place of peace? How then can I have a positive impact on the community in which I am invested? When we respond in this way, we are able to restore the situation and advance in freedom. We remove the power from the person or the wrong, and allow ourselves to grow and improve. The absence of the negative thought allows us to live in the beauty of “on earth as it is in heaven.”
4. When was the earliest moment I started to believe that thought?
Like it or not, these situations are scratching on something that happened in our lives previously, likely in our childhood. If you’re reacting to your son or daughter being denied an opportunity to experiencing something unjust, you’ve experienced the same thing and that’s the source of your displeasure. You have to deal with that part first. Did something happen with you as a kid with a coach or teacher? Have you forgiven them yet? Are you actually displaying a deep displeasure in something that happened in your childhood that is causing you to treat your child’s coach as you wish you had the freedom to do years and years ago? Heal the moments that hurt you, restore your heart, and you’ll then be able to bring healing and restoration to the current situation. You’ll never be able to do that until you deal with your own stuff from the past. This is the hardest step of the work we all need to do.
5. How can I bring support to myself and others today instead of criticism? (Coach > Critic)
Teddy Roosevelt’s comment about the critic is so relevant today. “It’s not the critic who counts.” Our criticism of others doesn’t matter. We need to recognize this. Coaches are in the arena. They’re out there trying to impact the world for good. Jump in and do the work together with them. Do this work and restore instead of criticize. Support others as they do the work. Talk with them at games and work through these questions together. Can you imagine how asking each other these questions would change the temperature for good in our athletic communities? I can.
Ultimately, this “work” helps us to remove the plank in our own eyes and ignoring the sawdust in the eyes of others (Matthew 7:3-5). Our thoughts are then captive and we are free to love one another to an even greater degree. It’s time we all “do the work” and heal our communities through sport instead of continuing to do damage. If we are able to do this work person by person, the outcome will be lives and communities of which we can all be proud.